Pam Kazmaier
Pam Kazmaier is not ashamed of her past any longer. That’s a huge testament to how far she’s come in her mental health recovery, because her past includes a suicide attempt, a felony conviction, a lost marriage and a fulfilling career as a registered nurse stripped from her forever. All of these events were a result of Kazmaier’s lifelong struggles with mental illness.
She’s very forthright about her diagnosis of bipolar disorder as an adult, and wasn’t really surprised by it because her father was diagnosed with manic depression and she lived through his disturbing episodes growing up. When Kazmaier was 13 years old, she was constantly followed around by “aliens” whose presence she believed was real. Only through years of therapy and medical help did she come to realize that those images were a manifestation of her mental illness.
“I never told anyone about the voices I heard or the aliens that appeared to me as a teenager, and I had a great life for a couple of decades,” Kazmaier said. “I went on to college, started a great career as a nurse, got married and had two children. I thought I was normal, just like everybody else.”
Then, the euphoric highs and energy bursts coupled with the darkest depths of depression—symptoms of bipolar disorder—began taking over her life. She began seeing psychiatrists and taking medications to relieve the symptoms, and ironically was helping her son, who also was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, through the same challenges.
One day, their mental illness became too much for the both of them to handle, and Kazmaier and her son decided to end their lives together by overdosing on drugs. They both awoke in the hospital. Kazmaier was restrained to the bed.
“When I was released from the hospital, I was handcuffed and arrested for dangerous crimes against children—a felony,” she said. “When you have a mental illness, you don’t have logical thoughts. In attempting suicide with my son, I thought I was giving him relief from his pain and suffering, and I would be in heaven with him.”
As a convicted felon, Kazmaier lost her freedom, her nursing license, her right to vote, her marriage and her self-esteem. She has worked for the past several years to rebuild her life and focus on her mental health recovery.
“It’s been a long journey, not just for me, but for others who suffer from mental illness,” she said. “Mental illness is the only ‘illness’ that people blame you for. If you have a heart attack, people are sympathetic, but if you have what I call a ‘brain attack,’ you’re pretty much vilified.”
Fortunately for Kazmaier, through caring case managers, proper medication, and mental health support programs and services she’s received in Maricopa County, she is regaining a life back in the community and mending the relationships with her family. She now spends her days presenting at various mental health events, such as NAMI’s (National Alliance on Mental Illness) “In Our Own Voice” series and works full-time as a certified psychiatric rehabilitation practitioner and counselor for Triple R Behavioral Health. She helps other individuals come to terms with their mental illness by sharing a bit of her own history and story.
“I’m transparent and not at all guarded about my mental health experiences,” she said. “I let it all hang out there so people can learn. I want to demystify mental illness so others who are suffering can get the help they need.”
